Dappled amber caresses green hands, Comforts the crimson beside the golden, Damaged and burnt - At the setting of the sun.
Another Eden has come and gone; Now rakes take away the spent and tired - For what use now their supplications to the sun?
The days grow dim, grey; The last rays of splendour grow short; Time now turns to the whitened blanket, Somnolence and muffled silence - Leaving only bony digits straining to the heavens, And a quiet, humble prayer: That golden orb may smile on them once more.
I Have a few ideas I'd love to run past you if you don't mind and you don't feel you are wasting your time - I know it took too long for me to answer, but I am really very grateful for the critique (which was helpful and kind!)
1) I quite like the way the 2nd and third lines flow, but how about "crimson BESIDES the golden" to get rid of an 'and'?
2) To deal with the tense issues, what do you think of changing the first stanza to:
Dappled amber caressED green hands, ComfortED the crimson and the golden, Damaged and burnt - At the setting of the sun.
that way, the poem flows from past tense to the present and on to the future tense?
3) I could replace the 'now' in the second line of the second stanza with 'at present' or 'presently' to avoid the two 'nows', but I feel it necessary to emphasise the timing, accent the start of that line - not sure... I struggled with the two 'nows' when I wrote it, can't quite seem to fix it as leaving it as it is has a more visceral appeal, even though the two 'nows' grate on you a little... Or replace the 'now' in the third line with 'then' or 'hence' ?
I've changed the Dim and grey" line as you suggested, but not added the 'of' to form 'use of' in the preceeding line, it didn't feel right to me.
And lastly, thank you again for the effort that went into the critique - and my way of REALLY saying sorry is to get on and sort this poem out now that I'm better ♥
2. That would be good as well, though it's not too bad in its present form as well... perhaps even better to have that distinction from present to past. It does make more sense to go as chronological as you can, however.
3. I don't think 'at present' or 'presently' would make the stanza flow there. =/
Replacing the second one with "then" may not be too bad. Up to you there.
4. That's fine.
Not at all! I am glad to see you taking steps towards it all, but it wouldn't have been a bad thing if you hadn't.
Thanks - sorry it's taken me a while to answer, I've been off-site for a while... All good now and will try and change the poem - am finding it harder than I though - I usually write from the heart at a stroke, often only over 30 minutes or so when I'm inspired...
Even when the changes in the comment make sense to me, for some reason when I alter the text they often feel wrong or strange, so this may take me a while, hope you don't mind!
Thank you for posting your deviation to #LITplease for critique! I'm going to do my best... but yes, these are just my thoughts.
Your choice of words is quite interesting, I must say, especially in the way it sets the scene and the way it reflects the nature of things, if that makes sense. I feel that the second line, especially, gives us a link to what is actually there so that we can relate with it more.
The alliteration is pretty effective in increasing the depth overall.
I'm not sure about the "and" in the third line... I can understand why you would want to put it there, but part of me feels that it would make a greater impact if there wasn't an "and" at all, as it conflicts with the "and" in the previous line.
It's interesting how you've gone from tense to tense... as if to mark the passing of time and all.
The phrasing is quite interesting... or rather, they set the tone quite well. I do feel that you could look into it more, perhaps... more so in the last two lines of the second stanza?
I'm not fond of how you've used "Now" twice in the second stanza... I feel it would be better if you replaced one with another word. I don't think it would be too bad if you replaced the "Now" in the second line with "And" and maybe another bit of punctuation like the dash or ellipses?
Or you could just remove the now in the third line and leave it as that, which would be easier. I also feel as if you could put an "of" after "use", but maybe that's just me.
I really like the third stanza and how you've concluded the poem with that. I think it's great how you've incorporated sibilance to further stress the atmosphere and the mood... it feels contemplative, quiet, calm and yet... it's as if things are in mourning as well.
Perhaps you could make the first line of the third stanza more choppy by removing the "and" and replacing it with a comma so that it feels uneven, unbalanced, and you want the world to flow once more as it always did. I feel as if you could put a few commas about the place as well, to emphasise separation, which would add more to this piece... I'm not sure about the use of dashes as well… I mean, once or twice is good enough, but eh.
I really like the imagery, though, and how you've described things. Overall, I think it's a great piece. I like how you haven't stuck to the rigid structure and made it your own, instead. The structure of the poem is brilliant and I think you've guided us on a journey that is quite insightful indeed.
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Lilyas has dedicated herself to making our community a brighter place with her vibrant artwork and infectious enthusiasm for interacting with others in our community. It has certainly paid off, as many deviants flock to her page on a daily basis to let her know how much of an inspiration she is. We absolutely agree, and couldn't let all that hard work go without recognition, so it's with great pride that we bestow the Deviousness Award for March 2014, to ... Read More